Reading Response #9, comments on Thusiga Thanasegaran’s second draft

I think this is an important topic to talk about and I really like the way you always related it back to your brother’s experience. Putting a face to the topic of your article really makes the reader empathize and see the significance of it. Including your brother’s name would really help with this too!

I enjoyed the opening of your article the most. I think making it more concise would help keep the reader’s attention. I like how you start by explaining how your family found out about your brother’s condition and I think you could make it more emotional by showing rather than telling. Describing how your brother changed and how you felt instead of explaining a lot of what happened might be even more effective.

I really liked the way you used your interview throughout your article, but I think you should use Krista’s credentials. What does she do and why is she qualified to be your interviewee? This could make it a strong ethical argument. I also liked that you described the Peter Hall School quite a bit, although I think keeping only the essentials and adding imagery could help the reader feel what it’s like to be there. Also, I think it would be interesting to connect the points you made about big changes at the ages of 18 and 21 back to your brother and what that means for him.

I’m little unclear about the main point of your article. I can see that you’re touching on some themes like hope and the effectiveness of IEP, but the main message of your article isn’t completely clear to me.


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